“But verily I say unto you, that it is not needful to be moving swiftly upon the waters, whilst the inhabitants on either side are perishing in unbelief.” Doctrine and Covenants 61:3
Heavenly Father has slowed me down this time. I am not sure way. But I have a feeling that I am the one perishing in unbelief and it is time to rescue myself.
The decision to move to Colorado was not made alone. Heavenly Father and I worked together on this one. I am not saying that I did not have any doubts. I did. But each time was followed up with a very powerful “yes” that this is what I needed to do for my life. I guess I thought because it was right and repeatedly confirmed by God that the move would be smooth sailing.
It has been anything but that. My housing in Provo has not sold so I am paying rent in two places. I am actually not even living in my place in Lafayette yet. First the last tenant was not moved out. Now she is but the painters and remodeling crew has not. Everything has been delayed. I have not been able to start my job and I have been very ill. I am trying to decide if I will pay my rent or my student loan or fill my car with gas.
I broke tonight. My friend keeps telling me that it will all be ok and that it will all work out. I am trying so hard to believe her. I have always been the strong one. I have always been the faithful one. But tonight I feel like God must hate me or something. All I do is serve Him. That is all I have done. I try to do what is right. And here I am. Tonight I cannot stand my life. I cannot stand myself. Nothing is working out. It is one thing after another. I hate my life choices. I hate my body. I hate having to struggle with depression. I hate having to pretend to be ok all the time.
I found my self on my knees bawling. Just telling Heavenly Father where I am at and what I am feeling. That I am sorry for feeling forsaken and faithless but it is where I am. I just cannot do it alone. I need him. I am no longer moving swiftly upon the waters. I am perishing in unbelief. I am drowning. The only thing to do now is swim. We are promised that the Lord can make us Holy (D&C 60:7). Then holify me, Lord!
There is this story about a people called the Jaredites. God calls them to build a vessel and then He will guide them to the Promised Land. When they are at sea God causes furious winds to blow and they are tossed about. Many times they are buried in the deep because of the “mountainous waves.” But all the while it is the wind and waves that are getting them to the Promised Land (Ether 6).
In the books of Nephi it tells a story of another family whom Heavenly Father also leads across many waters. 2 Nephi 10:25 reads, let us “not hang down our heads, for we are not cast off; nevertheless, we have been driven out of the land of our inheritance; but we have been led to a better land, for the Lord has made the sea our path, and we are upon the isle of the sea.” Sometimes the sea is our path. We are just being led by the waves… Or so it seems. But God is there and He is leading us. In fact, He is leading us to a better land. “Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves—to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved. Wherefore, may God raise you from death by the power of the resurrection, and also from everlasting death by the power of the atonement, that ye may be received into the eternal kingdom of God, that ye may praise him through grace divine. Amen.”
At the beginning of this post there is a picture of Jesus Christ walking on the water. I believe there are many times in each of our lives when we are Peter. Our Lord is calling us to walk with Him. And at times He is calling us to walk with Him upon the waters. He has come for us. So let us go to Him. In other words…(speaking to myself) Go to Him.